Whew chile. I know I am not the first person to feel like the Rona has provided me with ample time for self-reflection, but I do realize that I may have been doing it a bit wrong. Since way before the world got flipped upside down, I have been on a very deep self-exploration/self-discovery/self-healing journey. It was initially prompted after I called off my engagement in 2018. I cried and prayed to God that I NEVER wanted to go through anything like that again. It started off as me just wanting to heal from that particular relationship, and turned into me working to heal from everything in my past. I’m mean all the things. Sounds overwhelming, right? Mmmhmm yeah, well it has been at times. But I know that this is something I have to do for myself so that I can show up in this world as God intended, and so I can have healthier relationships in my life. And I am so thankful for how much I have grown and learned about myself throughout this journey.
At the same time, I have hurt myself by constantly looking at allll the things I wanted to improve upon, to the point that I felt bad about the person I already am. I felt I had so far to go, with no end in sight. And because I tend to go REALLY HARD when I put my mind to something, I went a little TOO HARD, which caused my self- awareness to turn into self-consciousness. I was so busy trying to become this “new Ashley” that I wasn’t giving myself all the room to be the great person I already am. I dimmed my light while changing the bulb, so worried about being the person that I am, while I work to become the person I hope to be.
On top of that, I found myself waiting for that day that I would be 100% healed and brand spankin’ new, like Ashley 2.0 or something. But, what do ya know, that day hasn’t come! I realized how this type of thinking wasn’t serving me at all. Instead of being present with myself, I was looking toward some magic moment in the future when everything would click and I could just go on with my life. I lost sight of the fact that the beauty is in the journey, not the destination.
Although I have my flaws and have aspects of myself that I am working on improving, I am good enough now, today. Not a year from now, or once I reach this goal, or start that business, or have healed in some way, but now. I have everything I need within me already, I just have to give myself room to allow those parts of me to blossom. I must fully embrace and accept the person that I am today if I ever hope to become a better version of me in the future.
The journey of healing and self-discovery is for life. This isn’t one of those things you can just check off a list and move on to the next thing. If you’re about that life, you’re in it for the long haul. But in this quest to reach your higher self, you must first learn to accept the wonderful person you are right now. You are human and you are ever-evolving, ever-changing, and just 100% amazing. It can be exhausting, frustrating, disappointing, and overwhelming to heal. But it can also be so very beautiful to learn, love, and live through it all. We deserve love and acceptance, especially from ourselves. And we must never lose sight of that.